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Commentary: High-maintenance farm girls, stand up and be counted

By Brianna Walker

Published on August 19, 2014 12:35PM

Brianna Walker

Brianna Walker

For the Blue Mountain Eagle

My sister and I are pretty low maintenance: we are more likely to finger-comb our hair than use a brush, our combined yearly total for makeup is less than $20, our shampoo fragrance doubles as perfume, and the only shopping we tend to enjoy is at the Yamaha dealership.

Someone once asked me if I ever do my nails. Of course I do – unless it’s the rare occasion I’ve forgotten my pocketknife. When our tank tops get too air-conditioned (i.e. holly) they become pajamas tops, and we can both pack for trips in just minutes.

Recently, however, I read a list that would make us just a bit more maintenance than I would have ever dreamed. Below is the list and my explanations as to why they seem to apply to farm girls.

Eight ways to tell if a woman is high maintenance:

8. She criticizes the clothes you choose to wear to a social event

I am so very guilty of this one. Many times as we’re walking out of the house to go to a wedding, funeral, or family function, I glance over to see my husband wearing a shirt with grease stains, dirty jeans, and his work boots. That’s when the criticizing begins…

7. She squints in disgust when you pull your vehicle up for her to get in.

Many times my noise has wrinkled as I move empty pop bottles, chip bags, old mail, and an assortment of other things that have far exceeded their shelf-life. Ugh...disgusting.

6. An overnight trip requires at least 2 pieces of luggage.

This is not due to eight pairs of shoes, four bottles of moisturizer, and lipstick to match every outfit. Instead, one bag usually has all of the clothes, toiletries, and books. and the other has rubber boots, leather gloves, coveralls, and a work coat – all the dirty things.

5.She takes her fluffy dog every where she goes.

My dog has ridden with me since she was 8 weeks old. She rides in every piece of machinery we own (the swather is her favorite), she also likes riding in the boat and can hang on amazingly well on the back of my four-wheeler.

She knows which fast-food restaurants give out treats, and has learned to hang her head just enough to get an extra treat at the bank.

4.She likes fur clothes.

Refer to No. 5. My dog is a long haired half-Pyrenees. I have fur-lined clothes, furniture and vehicle upholstery.

3.She has a lot of guy friends.

Um … maybe because girls are too much drama? And besides it’s always more fun to be under the hood of a car than under the lights of a tanning bed.

2. She prefers her water special, and turns her nose up at filtered.

Well really, who doesn’t? I love the Columbia River and spend as much time there as our farming schedule allows … but given the choice between a tropical white sand beach, or a beach on the Columbia – well, I prefer special water, too. And filtered water is so soft, scrubbing the day’s grime off is a challenge.

1. She takes several hours to get ready to go to the store.

Guilty again. Just last week my husband begged me to go grocery shopping. Opening the fridge for breakfast he found mayo, ketchup, mustard, salad dressing, snow cone syrups, Worcester sauce, and a jar of maraschino cherries – not exactly the breakfast of champions.

The cupboards held an onion and a bag of cat treats.

It was easy to see shopping had to go on my list. But first I needed to flag the combine to the next field, give one of the guys a ride back to his pickup, and make a quick parts run. By then the wheat was dry, and I found myself in the combine. The moon was high in the sky before I was heading to town on a grocery run …15 hours later.

I guess my sister and I must be pretty high maintenance after all.

Brianna Walker’s Farmer’s Fate column appears occasionally in the Eagle.


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