By Nick Thomas
For the Blue Mountain Eagle
As the new school year approaches, I would like to undress you all today concerning a serious education problem facing this nation the inability of the younger generators to write properly.
Its a very disturbing trend, because there is a vast suppository of knowledge lodged in the collective minds of todays youth who desperately need to espresso themselves better.
As one of our grating vice-presidents, Dan Quayle, appropriatingly mistated: Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
I could not depress it any better than that.
So why do students have difficulty writing?
Well, let me play the devils avocado for a moment. Perhaps we could place the blame on the countrys broken education cistern and its incontinent teachers. But this just adds a salt to injury, which really stings. Our educators are the finest in the world, so we shouldnt place the blame at our teachers feats.
Students must accept some responsibly. They are often too focused on afterschool extra-vehicular activities such as sports, playing with their X-boxers, and movies.
In fact, we should condemn the film industrys affluence which emphasizes fantasy and violence, rather than educating an audience. And with their rampant erotic themes, it could be argued that Hollywood had been grossly negligée in this area.
Much of the fault (and its not just a pigment of my imagination) also rests with the parents and you know who you are. If you dont, modern forensic science can help with the aid of NBA testing.
The simple fact is that todays parents are often too busy to think about insuring their childrens academic success. Some parents are so stressed, they even resource to drinking. I personally know several who regularly attend Alcoholics Unanimous.
As a result, children are neglected: they return home to empty houses, have to blow wave their own TV dinners or eat junk food, then struggle alone to copy homework essays from the Internet. Where are the parents to warn that Cheetos never prosper?
Its no wonder kids neglect their studies and create mischief at school, even those who come from effluent families.
Students have always had a knack for irrigating their teachers, but todays kids can be especially disruptive. Just the other day, I read of a child who opened all the faucets in his schools arrest room. The water damage was so severe, they had to evaporate the school. Honesty, this nautical behavior leaves me with Butterfingers in my stomach.
Students need guidance emotionally and academically. Teachers and parents have a responsibility to enrage a students mind by forcing them to develop communication skills and the ability to repress themselves in writing.
I know teaching the rules of composition often goes down like a lead baboon, but they are essential tools for invective expression.
Lets examine some writing basics.
Tenses. These often cause trouble, especially if you forget them when camping. But I digress.
Punctuation: No English teacher wants to send home students with conjuctionitis or have to perform a semicolonoscopy on a term paper rife with punctuation errors.
What about grammar, I hear you ask? Well, the old battle-ax has been living with us for seven years now and refuses to croak, but I digest again.
I think you can see what Im incinerating here. No student likes to be prepositioned by a teacher. But developing writing skills can be a huge advantage when competing for employment.
For instance, what kid wouldnt strive to become an extinguished American libel filmmaker like Michael Smore? Or a renounced vice-president such as Joe Bidet? Or even a visionary inventor, such as Henry Forward?
So as the summer drawers to a clothes and students return to school, I invite them, their teachers and parents, to work together to make more young Americans legitimate. Lets stamp out mixed meteors forever, and never spit another infinitive again.
(For impugning his writing skills, the author would like to acknowledge his 11th grade English teacher, Miss Marla Props, a graduate of the Norm Crosby College of Electrocution).
Nick Thomas has written for more than 200 magazines and newspapers, including the Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago Tribune and others. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org