Another Voice
At 16 I met a great guy. He was three years older, funny, caring, and very kind. Wanting to get out of my parents' house and being completely enamoured by him, we quickly got married. For three years our marriage was great and we had two beautiful children to show for it.
After three years, things started to change. He started getting verbally abusive. About six months after that he started hitting me about once a month. He would drink and we would fight. Usually this would happen at night when the kids were asleep, so if I had left during a fight, I would have to leave my kids. After it happened we would all pretend it didn't. I didn't leave because I was convinced that I had asked for it, that I somehow deserved it. This continued for three years.
One particularly bad incident was after a trip with some friends when I started to give my kids a bath. He pushed me into the tub with them and started hitting me in front of them. My friend pulled my kids out of the tub and took them to safety with only towels around them. She sent my family to check on me. My family came to help me, but since I believed I deserved it I wouldn't accept their help. They didn't know what to do.
For three years I put up with being treating badly. I wasn't allowed to have friends. He isolated me from people who cared about me. I would have to sneak around just to go talk to my best friend. He had control over the finances. If there was ever any cash, he had it. He would even tell me how much I was allowed to spend at the grocery store for food for our kids. I never told him how much he could spend at the bar. When I went grocery shopping I had to hurry; if I was gone longer than he thought I should be, he would accuse me of cheating on him and we would fight again.
After seven years of marriage and three beautiful children, I finally left this abusive man. Not because I realized I deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, but because he was cheating on me. I had always justified the abuse, but couldn't justify staying with a man who was sleeping with other women.
Things are better now. I have re-married and have a wonderful husband who stands beside me, not over me. I'm still realizing the effect this abuse has had, not just on me, but on my kids. My oldest son has told of things that happened that I had always hoped he didn't know. Through my work and supportive relationships, I understand that the abuse wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it; it took years of abuse and living after the abuse to realize this.
Teresa Cowing resides at Burns and serves as the Victim Intervention specialist at the Grant County District Attorney's office.
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