The holiday turkey carcass triggered the trouble.
The problem at a holiday isn’t only what to cook and how to cook it, but what family and friends participate in after the meal. For instance, I might wear my Komfort Fit elastic waistband clothes only to find the host rounded up bicycles for everyone for an after-dinner bike marathon. Knowing this, I can pace myself at the dessert table.
I propose a Compatibility Quiz be taken before accepting an invitation as a holiday dinner guest or serving as a host/hostess. Circle your answers.
After a holiday meal, one expects to enjoy:
• Vivaldi, Chopin
• TV football game
• Marathon sports event — guests participate (bike, hike, climb, run, etc.)
If one hears what sounds like a Boeing 747 taking off cross-wind at the Portland Airport, it’s:
• Uncle Henry, belly up, snoring on the couch
• Family dogs banned to a back bedroom
• The Left-Overs, a rock band that plays with a backdrop of a Sears Craftsman Deluxe automotive tool chest in the garage
If a roar of anguish erupts as though a biker gang invaded the neighborhood, the sound came from:
• TV viewers when the opposing team scored a touchdown
• A nap-deprived 2-year-old who can’t find blankie and discovers on
his dinner plate a speck of gravy touching a green bean
When you see the word “organ,” you think of:
• Bach fugue
• Turkey giblets in a white plastic bag
What’s a giblet?
• Second baseman for the New York Mets
• Turkey parts including liver, heart, gizzard
A gizzard is part of the digestive tract of turkeys, crocodiles, alligators, earthworms and grasshoppers. (A grandchild and I looked it up on Wikipedia when we weren’t sticking olives on our fingers or dissecting turkey heart chambers.)
What is done with the giblets?
• Cooked, chopped, and made into giblet gravy
• Cooked, chopped, and fed to the dog
• Unopened white bag tossed into the garbage
After dinner, family and friends:
• Watch football games on TV
• Toss around a football in the yard
• Play board games
• Take a 2-mile hike
(Coming from a family of board game devotees, I found it imperative to know the host family belonged to the marathon hikers when offered a second helping of pie.)
While dinner clean-up is underway, you prefer to entertain a:
• Teething tot
• Tantrum-prone toddler
• Surly teen banned from electronics for the day
• Politically active Aunt Edna pushing a petition to ban land mines and green
What grosses you out?
• A kid with olives on each finger passing the bowl of mashed potatoes
• Runny noses
• Uncle Rupert’s dentures sitting on the TV remote
Leftover turkey should be:
• Eaten at midnight with a side of congealed dressing, the culinary equivalent of a bowling ball
• Chopped with feline nibbles and fed to the cat
End of the meal, what to do with the turkey carcass?
• Boil it into a rich broth to make soup (Aunt Edna comes from the school of turkey bone soup)
• Toss it into the garbage
During clean-up the hostess said, “Throw out the carcass.”
The problem for Aunt Edna surfaced at airport security. She triggered alarms when a TSA agent caught her trying to smuggle in the turkey carcass taped to her chest.